So...I haven't really updated my journal other than to put up some random shit or whatever...reason being that I'm still pretty much down...

Things have been kinda rough lately...even with my trip to Ohio...it just seems like the minute I stepped off the plane in Houston, everything went back to being the same...

I mean, for crying out loud, it was raining when I arrived

But yeah...it's the same old stuff...well...not exactly the same, I suppose...It seems magnified right now.

I haven't been back for more than a week, but it seems like ages since I saw my friends...and it's only been two days since I spoke to Kit, but I guess with what happened recently over the holiday weekend, it feels longer...

I found out yesterday that a cousin on my mother's side of the family killed himself. According to other family members, it was an accident and that he didn't mean for it to happen so its not a suicide...but still...

I can't say that I really remembered him, but I use to play with his kids when I was little and I had to stop myself from crying when I went up to give my condolences this evening at the wake...I'll probably be sobbing myself to sleep though...

The thing of it is I am now wondering about suicide...not like committing...although...

...I...I have tried...twice...

I don't know...I guess, I'm just trying to figure out what he was thinking before he pulled the trigger, accidentally or not...I know what I had been thinking...it's really the same stuff that I'm thinking right now...

I'm the last resort. I'm always, always taken for granted and that's just how things will always be...

I love my friends. Honestly, I love them way more than they'll probably ever know...I don't have very many of them, I'm not sure why...but the one's I do have are very dear to me...which is probably why it hurts so badly when they all fall off the face of the world and ignore me...

...I always kinda figured it was because most of the time, I'm unhappy...Right now, it's not a very happy time in my life... I know, in time, I'll be fine. Things will work themselves out and I have to remain optimistic that they will...

I know that last summer, I was a pest and almost every time I spoke to any of my friends, I was upset about something...I didn't want to be that way this year, so I've gone back to bottling up most of the things that are bothering me...

...I don't think it's helping any though...I'm back to staring at my buddy list and arguing with myself about IM-ing Kit just so I can talk...but...I'm afraid that she'll turn around and tell some other friend that I'm bothering her and being annoying, so I don't...

I don't call, I don't IM, I don't anything...I always wait...because I don't want to be that annoying friend that's always blabbering on about nothing...as it is, I already kinda figured that the only way I'll ever get to see my best friend again is if I save the money, book a flight or drive up there to see her because right now, I honestly don't think she would ever come to see me...not even if I really needed her to......

...At the moment, I don't think she really cares what happens to me...so long as I stay out of her hair...

.......Anyway...I've been sewing again...I'll be taking pictures of the dresses and shirts I've made for Roxanne...I have a few drawings that will probably be going up in the next couple days...so there's that...

...that's about it...

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Resin Luffles